More accurately it was the anticipation of what I needed to brace myself for…just in case.
A daughter-in -law was in labor and transition was taking too long.
I couldn’t be there to help, to assist, to see for myself.
And therein lie the problem.
The eye-opener in the shade of the Tree of the Knowlege of Good and Evil opened all the wrong doors.
For me, this having to know, this wanting to see comes from never wanting to be blindsided again.
I never want to feel the squeeze of my father’s hand as he leads me across the wide main street on the way to my young uncle’s out of the blue funeral.
I never want to step out of a wrinkled pickup truck to crunch the broken glass and see the busted telephone poles and think the rest inside the truck’s cab are probably dead.
I never want to walk back into the warehouse barn on a late autumn day and realize I am fatherless.
All these nevers.
Jesus is telling me the fear that has tried to derail me, to take me out of the game my whole life, is because I have taught myself to never miss a blindside again. I’ve lived my life with my eyes wide open so I can brace myself for whatever comes.
The trouble with this way of living is that fear becomes a regular companion.
Some may say I am suffering from a sort of post-traumatic stress.
I am a Jesus follower.
Jesus, the One called the Prince of Peace. Jesus, Who comes to me with Love and Grace, swords against fear.
To fear is to un-believe.
Fear has tried to be my un-doing, but it has not succeeded.
All the anticipation moments where things could gloriously right or terribly wrong, Jesus is showing me how to take off the braces.
How to wait without anticipating a blindside.
Perfect Love casts out fear.
No matter the technology.
No matter the pokes and probes .
No matter the calendar counting and keeping.
There is only so much the womb will reveal.
There are two things no ever sees: The moment of a holy whisper breathing into conception, and then, usually sometime between 35 and 40 weeks later..is it a nudge or a beckoning?
How does a baby know when to come?
The Lord’s Day of her delivery found me pew side trying to concentrate while my son and his wife pushed through the pushing.
I was miles away laying the blindside aside.
I was practicing trust in the not knowing.
I was living in-belief, not unbelief.
The moment I got the call that she was here, the flood of joy and grace and peace and relief cascaded over me, but it was His love that washed me, cleansed me of all the fear residue.
To live without fear, without the braces, is a place I am learning to live from.
The Word has the last word. He restores all things.
On the twelfth day of waiting my True Love gave to me a sweet grandbaby girl who cried right off with a fierceness, then smiled on her first day for her grandfather. On the twelfth day of waiting my True Love gave to me my son,the boy miracle, cradling his girl child whispering father love in her ear.